Jobs 2011
19th Nov 2011
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WALK WITH ME BY THE WATER6th Aug 2011 Apologies. I know you are expecting jokes here but sometimes you just find something that is so moving, you have to share. This is well worth the read and very emotional. WALK WITH ME BY THE WATER A beautiful message about growing older…
Shit… I forgot the words… Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Star Spangled Groaner6th Aug 2011 A Spaniard named Jose went to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game. To his dismay he found that all the seats were sold out. However, the management gave him a high seat up behind the flagpole. When he returned to his home country his friends asked him, “What kind of people are those Americans?” He said, “Very fine people, they gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started everybody stood, looked to where I was sitting and sang ‘Jose can you see…’” Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » A Little Trimmer6th Aug 2011 A female dwarf person goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt. ‘How’s that?’ ‘Well, it’s a lot better actually, but… it’s still there.’ Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes. ‘How’s that?’ he asks again more confidently. ‘That’s wonderful! What did you do?’ ‘I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.’ Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Those Crazy Neighbours (especially Dad)!1st Aug 2011
Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Bar Jokes1st Aug 2011 A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Could I please have a gin and ………………………………………………………………………. tonic? The barman says, “What’s with the huge pause?” And the bear says, “I’ve always had them.” +++ The barman says, we don’t serve time travellers here. A time traveller walks into a bar. +++ An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a New Zealander, an Australian, a South African, an Indian, a Latvian, a Mexican, a Canadian, an Egyptian, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Swedish chap, a Pakistani, a Serb, a Croatian, a Belgian, an Iranian, a Greek, a Chilean and a Spaniard walk into a bar. And the barman says, “I’m sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.” Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » WEDDING FAIL1st Aug 2011 Lots of ‘Wedding Fail’ photos here: http://www.southpacificweddings.com.au/category/wedding-fail/ Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » MURPHY GETS LUCKY!1st Aug 2011 MURPHY, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decides to expand the line of furniture in his store, so heads off to Paris. After a satisfactory week of negotiations, he decides to visit a crowded small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sits enjoying himself, a beautiful young Parisian girl comes to his table and asks if she may use the spare chair, as there is nowhere else to sit. Murphy doesn’t speak a word of French but understands by her gestures, and invites her to join him. That being the extent of Murphy’s understanding of French sign language, they soon revert to drawing on a napkin to communicate. He draws a picture of a wine glass and shows it to her. She nods, so he orders a wine for her. That goes so well that he soon draws a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nods. They leave the bistro and find a quiet cafe that features a small group playing romantic music. They order dinner, after which he takes another napkin and draws a picture of a couple dancing. She nods and they get up to dance. They dance until the cafe closes and the band is packing up. Back at their table, the young lady takes a napkin and draws a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » SMART KIWI!!1st Aug 2011 A man in London walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from son?” “New Zealand, sir,” the boy replied. “Why did you leave New Zealand?” the manager asked. The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.” “Is that right?” replied the manager, “My wife is from New Zealand!” “Really?” replied the boy, “Who’d she play for?” +++ So, there you go! A joke that is pro-New Zealanders! You don’t get many of those, mainly because there are just so many gratuitous, unnecessary and unkind attempts at humour about New Zealanders and the ‘special’ relationships they have with sheep. I mean, those jokes are just not funny, especially when you consider that the price of lamb in New Zealand has risen to $19.95 an hour! Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » We Are Amused1st Aug 2011 Princess Anne is visiting a hospital and stops to chat with the patients. As she shakes hands with one old bloke she asks why he is in. “I’ve got a boil on me bum!” he replies. Later the senior nurse chastises the old codger for saying such a thing to royalty. “What was I supposed to say?” he asks and is told he could have said he had a boil on his leg. A week on, the Queen tours the same hospital and goes out of her way to shake hands with the same patient. “What are you in for?” she asks. “I’ve got a boil on my leg,” he says. “Oh,” says the Queen, “has it moved?” Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Those crazy greeks…30th Jul 2011 The Greeks will not be able to control their economy and meet the terms of the bailout by the EEC and the IMF. They can’t even enforce the No Smoking regulations! For your information, Greece introduced a law banning smoking in eateries since 7/1/09. Have a look how many cigarettes are in the ashtray on the right of this picture below… Look in the ashtray… the ashtray, the bloody ashtray on the right! Darn… You’re worse than the Greeks! Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Bingo!30th Jul 2011 A Yorkshire man goes to the doctor feeling very ill. The doctor checks him over and says, “I’m sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.” So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well – winning £400,000! The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!” “Lucky?” the bloke screams, “Lucky?! I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24!” “Bugger me,” says the bingo caller, “You’ve won the raffle as well!” Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Painful Joke…30th Jul 2011 The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. “Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum, not scrotum.” Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » What’s in a name?30th Jul 2011 A guy in a nursing home is trying to tell a friend about a great restaurant he went to the previous night but he can’t remember the name… OLD GUY: Oh dear, help me here… it’s the name of a flower…um… a lot of them are red… they smell real nice… and they have got thorns on the stem… FRIEND: Rose? OLD GUY: That’s it! Hey Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?! Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Yes, yes, it’s a light bulb joke!30th Jul 2011 Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a bloody light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb has blown. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME BLOODY CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb and would BE STILL IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID BLOODY LIGHT BULB CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER TAKES OUT THE GARBAGE!!! … I’m sorry…what did you ask me? Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » A few quickies…30th Jul 2011 I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks. Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before. +++ A guy was sitting in a girlie bar in Bangkok when a really gorgeous Thai girl approached and sat next to him. She ran her hand up the inside of his thigh and he kept thinking to himself, “Please don’t get an erection… Please don’t get an erection…” But she did. +++ I hate being bipolar it’s fantastic! Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Been there, done that, got the t-shirt…30th Jul 2011
Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » A little Georgia maths…30th Jul 2011 The owner of a small retail business in Atlanta, Georgia, is confused about paying an invoice, so he decides to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He calls her into his office and says, ”Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and ah need some help. If ah wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14 per cent, how much would you take off?” The secretary thinks for a moment, looks him right in the eye and then replies, ”Why, ah guess, ever-thang but my earrings …” Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Mourning Glory30th Jul 2011 A bloke out for his morning walk and he passes a cemetery where there’s a man, standing the other side of a headstone. The bloke yells out, “Morning…” and the man replies, “Nope, just needed a pee.” Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » A different beat…30th Jul 2011 There is a tradition in show business that if you want to test a joke, tell it to a drummer – if he laughs, good chance the audience won’t. Example, a drummer would laugh at this: “What does your wife do?” “Hard to say really.” (PAUSE) “She sells sea shells by the sea shore.” But would a drummer laugh at these…? What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they have a machine to do that now. How can you tell if a stage is level? Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me either. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer’s arm? A tattoo. Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Engineer joke30th Jul 2011 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Oy vay!30th Jul 2011 Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. “He said, “Funny you should come to me…” Posted by ianhey under Jokes | Permalink | No Comments » Welcome!28th Jul 2011 This is the first post in the Jokes section of the site – this section will be here just for me to throw jokes that tickle my fancy! Enjoy!! Posted by admin under Jokes | Permalink | 1 Comment » |
